Father’s Day is fast approaching. We celebrate all our dads and grandfathers. This week, I wanted to take a moment to honor men who didn’t have to—the ones who stepped in to be a part of a child’s life, to guide them, lead them, pray for them, and help raise them when it was a choice—a choice that I am forever grateful for.
Divorce, well, the word itself is ugly. And trying to navigate children into 2 different homes is not at all the way we intended when they came into this world. However, the Good Lord and I have talked a lot over the past decade and I think with His help, we’ve done a pretty good job of figuring it out, but trust me- we could not have done it without HIM.
I have never liked the term “stepparent.” I think it comes from when my dad took me to see Cinderella when I was just a little girl. She had such a wicked stepmother and stepsisters. It scared me. I never wanted a wicked stepmother or stepsisters. I think that one movie stigmatized all future stepparents forevermore. I am here to change that.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother—Theodore Hesburgh
Summer 2014 – It Was Him
He loved me; I knew he did, but I really didn’t know if he knew what he was getting into. We were a package deal, the 3 of us.
The first time we took the children to the beach together as a couple, our daughter Cate was barely 4 years old. She loved playing in the sand and wanted Jon to build her a sandcastle. But when the tide came in and started taking her sandcastle away, she cried and cried. She would then collect all the shells up and down the beach; she had to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. She couldn’t stand the thought of the ocean taking them back away from her with the tide. She would cry and cry. She just hated that ocean for taking everything that was pretty, far away. She would cry until she made herself sick. Being the new heroic figure in our lives, Jon tried his best to make it all better. He would build something else quickly or get more buckets to collect more shells. He even walked barefoot to a convenience store a mile down the strip (we thought it was much closer; the beach can be deceiving) to get her something for her upset stomach. He just wanted to make that baby feel better, to take the tears away. I thought, Lord, please don’t let this scare this man away! Amazingly enough, he doesn’t get scared easily. 10 years later, he still does whatever he can for that baby girl. He would walk through fire for both of my children, and theatrically, he has.
Being a stepdad isn’t easy. You do the work but get no credit from the outside world. The kids don’t share a last name with you. ----- but I have never once heard my husband complain about any of that, nor would he ever want to take away from where they came from or disrespect their father. Never has a man loved two kids that were not his own blood more than Jon Clark loves mine.
Jon was a football coach for nearly half his life. Once he became my son’s coach, he saw Cole had a shot at being a college-level quarterback, so he gave up his career so that Cole could have one. And Cate- well, her dreams are his dreams. He has driven half the Midwest to take her to achieve every soccer goal (or defend it because she’s a keeper) she’s ever had.
She has BIG dreams, and Coach Clark, the former head football coach, will Ted Lasso his way there in his Dodge Ram.
I think since our kids are now teenagers, my husband has some great wisdom to offer others in our situation.
3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
Wife: How would you describe our marriage in 3 words?
Husband: (a) God planned unity
Wife: What was your first impression of me, and how has it changed over time?
Husband: “Woah…. who in the world is that??!!!” - I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (with the most perfect little southern belle accent). You radiated light all around you and just had this energy I was instantly drawn to…10 years later, I see the same beautiful woman who radiates the brightest light. I also know that as beautiful as you were then, I see you even more beautiful now as we grow together.
***Bonus Points***
Wife: What do you think makes our relationship strong?
Husband: Intentionality, trust, loyalty, respect, and our walk with God.
Our faith and pursuit of God and Jesus Christ is the glue that binds us. We are closer now than ever, and that is due to this mutually growing journey we share in our united and individual pursuits of Christ. Our relationship is one that is based on mutual respect, trust, and loyalty to each other. We choose US over everyone else and we intentionally work to never put the other in a situation that would make them uncomfortable or feel less than.
Wife: What do you appreciate most about our life together?
Husband: What I appreciate the most about our life together is how wild the ride is, yet how calm it is together. We have had so many super highs and super lows in our lives and are constantly thrown curve balls, but we handle it together so well. I am constantly just in awe of our ability to handle and make the best out of anything, and everything life throws our way together. We never faulter, we never lose hope, we never throw blame, we never hold grudges, and we never don’t celebrate the wins together! That is what I love the most…. we do it all, together. We truly are partners.
Wife: What do you think is the biggest challenge we’ve faced in our marriage, and how did we overcome it?
Husband: This is a tough one because when I look back on our marriage, I really don’t see many if any, challenges…Our biggest challenge has to be a toss-up of two things…one is navigating my wild desire to always be in hot pursuit of achieving my crazy dreams. In the past 10 years, my goals and ambitions have kept me focused and dialed in. I can get serious tunnel vision when pursuing a goal, and I know that isn’t easy to deal with, but you always stand by my side and support my pursuits. You love me for who I am, and my passion to always pursue something is a big part of who I am. You understand that when I don’t have something I am chasing, I’m miserable, so you deal with it, and I love you for that!
The other biggest challenge has probably been shutting out the outside noise. We have both been subject to outsiders' talk, opinions, gossip, and straight-out lies (often made publicly). When we truly realized that God rarely uses a person who cares what other people think, we grew as partners, parents, and Christians. Handling idiots’ comments with grace and dignity hasn’t always been easy with our competitive and fiery personalities…Lord knows we have both had to talk each other out of responding like a lion on the hunt many times, but we have handled that extremely well. Our intentional journey together has led us to the point that we are way more apt to hear the sound of angels singing than that of dogs barking now.
Wife: How do you think our relationship has influenced the kids?
Husband: Oooo, I like this question! I know how it has influenced them because we have talked about this parenting piece more than anything over the past 10 years. We have been very intentional in the example we have wanted to set for them and very direct in modeling what a happy marriage with two people who love and respect each other looks like. I truly believe that we have shown them what a relationship that is built on the foundation of Christ Jesus looks like. I think our daughter will grow up to understand how a woman deserves to be respected, cherished, adored, and pursued by her husband. She will also know how a wife should honor, respect, love, and lift up her man. I think our son understands how a truly Godly husband should treat his wife all the time, regardless of the ups and downs that life will throw your way. He also has learned that marriage is a commitment before God between two people that should always be honored and respected. They have learned how to always speak to their significant other from a position of respect and honor, regardless of the situation. We demonstrate loyalty to each other, to them, and to our family first and foremost. I could go on forever on this topic…I by no means think we have been perfect parents, but I do think we have done our Godly duty extremely well in modeling for them what happiness together should truly look like.
Wife: What were your initial thoughts when you took on the role of being a “stepdad”?
Husband: My biggest concerns were making sure I felt in line with how you were raising the kids. At the end of the day, you’re the boss in how your kids are raised, and I wanted to make sure I was on the right path with you, not against you. My only other concern was how was I going to be a good coach still, and also a parent. Coaching was an obsession to me for so long I worried I wouldn’t be able to give my best to either my team, or my own kids. It turned out, like you said it would, being a parent made me a better coach. Other than that, it was an easy transition. I fell in love with those two clowns from the very start.
Wife: What is the most rewarding part of being a stepdad?
Husband: The most rewarding part is the relationship I get to have with our children. I can’t imagine my life without them in it. They make me feel whole in so many ways. They have made me a better man, a better husband, and a much more devoted Christian. Being there for their successes is more rewarding than any of mine ever were, and being there to help them navigate the rough roads of life was something I feel God built me for. I’m lucky to be able to be who I am in their lives.
Wife: Can you share a challenging moment you’ve faced as a stepdad and how you handled it? Would you do it differently today?
Husband: I have some regrets about how I handled a challenging situation, that if I had handled it the way I wanted to (and normally would have), it wouldn’t have been challenging. When I was coaching Cole I would’ve been much more praising of his work ethic and abilities than I was. I had such a belief in him, and it wasn’t misplaced or bias. Heck, look what he did when he transferred…I knew what he was going to become as a QB, and untrue to who I was I let outside eyes and comments affect me. I was always cautious trying not to show favoritism even though he was one of the best QBs, hardest workers, and promising leaders I ever coached. He didn’t get the recognition he deserved when I coached him, not like the other kids who played for me of his character and caliber did. Some of that was on me, and some of it was on the toxic culture weeds that started to sprout up around the program while he was in it, but that is a whole other topic for another time. I just wish he had gotten to play in the same fantastic football environment that he had grown up around for so many years.
The overall challenge with being a stepdad to our kids is balancing advice, guidance, and instruction when their desire to pursue their dreams is so great. I always knew I could absolutely help them reach them achieve their dreams, but I also didn’t want to overstep my role. I didn’t want them to feel they lived with Coach Clark 24-7. They both are highly driven, and I always have to stop and ask myself if what we are doing is their decision or mine. The good thing is that none of their sports pursuits have ever been my goal, nor have I pushed them. I decided from the beginning when it came to sports with them and training, I would never make them do anything, but I also wasn’t going to tell them no if they asked. And what has been fun with them is they always have asked over and over again, and still do.
Wife: How have you built and maintained your relationship with each kid?
Husband: Over our daily hot breakfast ; ) Wow…my relationship with them both is very unique. Honestly, I’d rather not go into too much detail as I feel that is a personal bond between each of us that is just for us, but what I will say is that I am very grateful that they both have allowed me to be such a big part of their lives. I’ve got to watch Cole grow into such a fine young man. Cole was a little older when we got married…We have spent a ton of quality time together over the years, going to and from practice, working out together, and solving the world's issues. Cole is fascinating to me…I think that kid has gotten the best parts of all his parents and grandparents. He is really a unique young man in today’s world. I truly admire his unwavering devotion to Christ, and I am honored to have been blessed to help guide him as a young man on his journey with the Lord.
As for Cate, that relationship is very different…and honestly, you don’t have enough time for me to go into details about how I feel about that girl…She and I have basically come up together! We have grown side-by-side in our little family for most of her life. I have little girl Cate memories with her that I didn’t have with Cole, like the first time she ever read to me and Claire (our white lab) one evening (I still have the video too). I got to be a part of so much with her. Cate can’t really remember a time when I wasn’t a part of her life, and so many of my best memories always seem to include her, too. I’ll wrap this up by saying this about her and I’s relationship…Cate is soooo much like me that it’s scary at times. We basically have the same personalities, and she is one of the few people I’ve ever felt truly gets me (and I her). I think anyone who knows us well knows that she absolutely stole my heart from day 1, and I don’t think I’m gonna ever it get it back…
Some of my greatest memories in my life are with these two awesome children of God, and I am so so grateful that for some reason the Lord picked little ol me to get to be even a small part of their stories. They have truly been one of my life’s greatest blessings.
Wife: What qualities do you think are important for a stepdad to have?
Husband: Showing up for them, 24-7. I think that a big part of being a stepdad is not to underestimate your role in the children’s lives. You ARE a parent to them. You are with them most of their time, and they are watching you, your actions, how you treat their mother, and hearing your words all of the time. You play a much more vital role in showing the way of a man in the world more than most stepdads understand. They’ll follow you either into eternity or off the deep end without you even realizing it.
I think they also have to become your top priority, along with their mother, in order to have a truly happy home. If not, they will see right through it, and through you. The goal is never to be anything but another light to them, a “bonus” dad, if you will. I take that “bonus” role very seriously. Every day of my life I ask God for less of me, more of Him. I ask Him daily to let me be a torch in their lives that helps guide them to the path that allows them to walk with Him. I truly want them to look back on their life one day and know me as a man who chose them, would choose them 1,000 times over again, and was so blessed by doing so. Something was always missing for me deep down inside, and I didn’t know it, but God had a plan all along. It was them…
Summer 2024 --It Was Them
I know one thing: the God Lord sure knows what He is doing. Jon Clark never intended to stay in Kentucky, but he fell in love with a Southern girl and her two beautiful babies, and the rest is history. Because God blessed me and still gives me what He promises, as for me and my household, we will serve our Lord.
Joshua 24:15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.
One blessed wife,
Erica
